Calumet Weekly Criterion (Calumet, Okla.), Vol. 3, No. 25, Ed. 1 Thursday, January 5, 1911 Page: 2 of 8
This newspaper is part of the collection entitled: Oklahoma Digital Newspaper Program and was provided to The Gateway to Oklahoma History by the Oklahoma Historical Society.
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John Henry
Two Queens
By GEORGE V. HOBART
My alleged RuntH w r<« In the offing,
in,I they looked to rne like relatives
of Hunch Bunch owned the country
house I had borrowed to prehent to
Clara J. for Ju*t one day, hut I hadn't
been able to pry her loose from the
domicile. I had told Clara .1 the two
dameH were my aunts, but she van
•till HUHpielouH.
"Well!" said Clara J , after a pain-
ful pause, "why don't you go and wel
come your Aunt Eliza?"
Aunt Mze would be the central flu
lire In a hot old time If she went
where 1 wished her at that moment
Homebody had tied both my fe« t to
the floor.
I had vlHlonn of two excited females
lamha.stiiiK me with umbrellas and
demanding their propi rty haek.
Completely at a Iosh, I sank Into a
chair, feeling as bright ami chipper
au a poached egg.
I felt that I belonged Just about as
much as a knothole does In a barb
wire fence.
! wan on the pickle boat for sure.
Falling! Sailing! over the griddle,
me?
ficlentlntfl tell us that when a man
In drowning every detail of his life
time pannes before him In the fraction
of a second.
Well, that moving picture ga<?
was worked on me, without the aid of
a battling suit.
When I awoke Clara J was Raying,
"Possibly It would look better If I
went with you. Walt Just a moment,
till I get this apron tiff there! Come
along!"
I arose, and with delightful unanlm
flty the chair arose also, clinging |lke
a passionate porous plaster to my
Oantaloonn.
•'Mercy!" exclaimed Clara J., "that
of a few feet of trouaerB, and I made
a quick change of costume.
A few minutes later I Joined her In
the parlor, where the scene was set
for my finish. I picked out a quiet
spot near the piano to die
Uncle P( ter was enjoying every
minute of It
He hurried off to escort the visitors
to the parlor and a moment later my
own Aunt Martha bustled In
"Are they here?" she asked, breath
lessly.
"How did you know they were com
ing?" inquired Clara J , In surprised
tones.
"How did I know!" exclaimed
Auntie; "why, I sent them!"
Every hand was against rne. The
parachute had failed to work pnd I
whs dropping on the rocks.
Faintly and far away I could hear
the ambulance coming at a gallop.
Kweet spirits of ammonia, but I was
up against It!
It was plainly evident to me that
Aunt Martha knew the awful rela
tIves of Hunch, and that the old lady
was camping on my trail. Yes; there
she stood, old Aunt Nemesis, g'aring
at me from behind her spectacles.
I decided to die without going over
near the piano.
"Where are they?" I could hear
Aunt Martha asking In the same tone
of voice I was certain the Koman em
peror used when Just about to frame
up a finale for a few Christiana from
over the Tiber.
"Uncle Peter has gone for them; we
put them in the spare room," Clara J
answered
"What! In the spare room!" gasped
Aunt Martha, collapsing In a chair
Just us Uncle Peter appeared In the
doorway, bowing low before the visit
You Are Very Welcome, Aunt Eliza and Cousin Jullal"
n making
little villain. Tacks, has bt
molasses candy!"
"It strikes me." I said, trying hard
to be calm, "that after making the
candy he decided to •nake a monkey
of me. Darn the blame thing, it
won't let go! 1 suppose I've got to be
a perpetual furniture mover the rest
of my life!"
Just then Uncle Peter came bub-
bling into the kitchen, talking in short
•iploslons like a bottle of vlchy. and
I collaborated with the chair in a
•quntty vous!
"Two women on the piazza." he
flrr.ed; "been talking to them an hour
and all I could get out of them was ,
•yes* and 'no.' Not bad looking, but
profoundly dumb "
"Hush!" said Clara J. glancing un j
easily at me and then back at l.'ncle
Peter, as she raised a warning linger
to her lips.
"Oh. they can't hear me." the old
gentleman went on. "John, you bet
ter go out and see them. They have
a card with your name written on it
I'm no lady's man. anyhow."
"Uo they look like queens?" Clara
J asked, rneaslly
"Well, they aren't exactly Cleopa
trria, but not bail, not bad!" he gur
git d.
"Is one oiler than the other?" Clara
J. cross questioned.
"Might be mother and daughter,"
Uncle Peter fancied
"It's surely Bunch's bunch," 1
groaned inwardly, wondering how I'd
look galloping across the country with
a kitchen chair trailing along behind
"Uncle Peter, it must be John Hen
ry's aunt RUsa and cousin Julia He
•xpecta them; don't you. John?" Clara
axplatned. "We shall be ready to wel
come them In Just a little while"
Here she glanced cautiously at the
chair 'in the mean time you show
them Into th* spare room and say that
John will see them very soon "
The old gentleman eyed me suspl
clously ami retired without a word
I'm afraid Uncle Peter found it hard
lo tske.
With the kind assistance of the
carting knife Clara J removed all of
*•, * from the chair, with the exception
ors, who stalked clumsily Into the par
lor.
For some reason or other Clara J
omitted the formality of springing for
ward and greeting my relatives effu
slvely, so she simply said, "You are
very welcome, Aunt Eliza and Cousin
Julia!"
"Great heavens' what does this
mean?" shrhked Aunt Martha "It
cannot be possible that these two
women are relatives of yours, John!
Why. I engaged them both In an In
I telllgence office; one for the kitchen,
| the other as parlor maid!"
"Stiro not!" I chirped. In Joy fright
ened accents, as I grasped the glorl
ous situation "They aren't my rela
tlvcs ami never were The more I
look at them the more convinced I am
that there's no room for them to perch
1 on my family tree. I disown them
j both. Pack to the woods with the
Swede Impostors!"
I win by an eyelash.
i v as bo happy i m ent o\ er to the
mantel and began to bite the brie a
brae.
Clara J didn't know whether to
laugh or cry, so she compromised by
giggling at Uncle Peter, who sat on
the piano stool whirling himself
around rapidly and muttering, "any
kind of exercise Is good exercise."
Aunt Martha stared around the
room from one to another In speech
less amazement, while the two In no
cent causes of all the trouble stood
motionless, with their noses tip tilted
to the celling
Presently Aunt Martha broke the
spell Just as 1 was about to eat a cut
glass \ase In the gliulness of my
heart.
"Go to the kitchen!" she said, sharp
ly to the newcomers, whereupon they
both turned in unison and looked the
old lady all over. Finally they decld
ed to discharge Aunt Martha, for th<
oldest member of the troupe fo'ded
her arms decisively and said. "Sure,
It ain't in any lunatic asylum I'll be
afther Uvln'. bless th' saints' If yez
have a slnslb'e mnnunt left In your
head will yet give us th' car fare back
to th' city, and It'll be a blessed hour
for me whin I p'n^ta me feet on th*
fi-rrvbor.t so It will!"
Uncle Peter cheeked the flery CObfafl
of tne piano stool and began to make
his double chin do a gurgle, where-
upon the youngest of the two female
Impersonators handed him a glare that
put out his chuckle and he started the
piano stool again at the rate of forty*
five revolutif ns per minute.
Th' ould buffalo over there 8bow*A|
us up to th' spare room, thinkin' to be
funny," she who was fated never to
he our cook, went on. "and If I wasn't
In a daffy house and him nothln' but a
hug it's the weight of that chair he'd
feel over his bald spot. Th' ould
goosehead. to set us down on th' j
l>orch and talk to us for an hour about |
th' landscape and th' atmusphere, and
to ask rne. a respectable lady, what
kind of exercise I was partial to! It's
hlven's own blessln' I d.dn't hand him
a poke in th' slats, so It Is!"
Uncle Peter, with palpably assumed
Indifference, slid off the piano stool
and faded behind the furthermost win
dow curtain, while I went up to the
belligerent visitor and said, "On your (
way, Glsmcnda; the referee gives the
fight to you; here's the gate receipts!" ;
With this I handed her a ten-spot. I
which she looked at suspiciously and
said. "If ever I get that ould potato
pounder over In New York It's exer
else I'll give him Sure, I'll run him
from th* bat'hry to Harlem without a
shtop for meals, had cess to him!"
Having delivered this parting knock
to Uncle Peter, the queen of the
kitchen flounced out of the hom e, fol-
lowed by the younger one, who had
played onl" a thinking part Ui the
strenuous scene.
Aunt Martha still sat motionless In
the chair, quite on the verge of tears,
when Clara J. went over to her and
said. "Why didn't you tell me you
wore going after servants, auntie?"
"I wanted to surprise you." the old
lady replied, plaintively "They were
to he my contribution to the house-
hold."
"You handed us a surprise, all rl^ht,
didn't she, Uncle Peter?" I chirped In
with a view to laughing off the whole
affair, hut Just then a series of start
ling shrieks caused us all to rush for
the piazza.
At the gate we beheld a kicking,
struggling mass of lingerie and had
dialect, which presently resolved itself
Into the forms of my temporary rela
lives, who were now busily engaged
In macadamizing the roadway with
their heads.
Then Tacks came yelling on the
scene: "I thought mavhe they was fe-
male burglars, so I stretched a wire
acrost the gate and they was In such
a hurry getting away that they never
noticed it till It was too everlastingly
late!"
Before we could remonstrate with
the Hoy Disaster he let another whoop
out of Mm and darted off In the dlrec
tlon e>f the barn.
That whoop brought the two wire
tappers to their feet, av} „rter they
both shook their fists eagerly In our
direction they started in frenzied
haste for the depot.
As they scurried frantically out of
our neighborhood Untie Peter smiled
blandly and murmured: "For lectur
ers, female reformers and all those
who lead a sedentary life there's noth
Ing like exercise!"
Putting my arm around Clara J.'s
waist, I whispered, "Didn't I tell you
It was one of Hunch's put up Jobs?
He's Jealous because I'm so happy out
here with you, that's all! As for the
telegram, forget It!"
"All right. John," said Clara J , "but
nevertheless that same telegram gave
you a busy day. didn't It?"
"It surely did, but It was only be
cause I hated to have you worried," I
answered, as she w. nt in the house to
console Aunt Martha.
I sat down in a chair, expecting ev
ery moment to have the Prince of Li
ars ceune up and congratulate me.
Humming a tune quietly to himself
Uncle Pete r watched the flying squad
ron disappear In a bend of the road,
then he sat down near rne and said,
John, you're worried about something
and I've a pretty fair Idea what it is
This property is too big a load for you
to carry, eh?"
From the depths of rny heart I re
piled. "It certainly is."
"Well," said the old gentleman. "It
surely has made a hit with rne 1
never struck a place I liked half as
well ss this. How would you like to
•eli It to me. then you and Clara J
•ould live with us, eh? Come on, now.
what d'ye say?"
I pat there utterly unable to say
anything.
"What did It cost you; come on.
now, John?" the old fellow urged.
"Oh, about $14,000," 1 whispered,
nicking out the first figure I could
think of
it's worth It and more, too," he
nld "I'll give you $20,000 for it—say
the word!"
"Well, If you Insist!" I replied,
weakly; and the next minute he
danced off to write me n check.
In the tar barrel every time I
opened my mouth! Hard luck was
certainly putting the wrapping papei
all over me.
Well, the only thing to do now was
to hustle up to town In the morning
anil Inform Bunch that I had sold his
property.
1 felt sure he'd h tickled to a stm.d
still—not!
(Copyright by <1 W Dillingham Co)
INDUSTRY
AND
MMM
LOCKING PINCER IS LATEST
Little Tool That Locks When Clo 4d
Requires Considerable Force to
Open Just Invented.
A pair of pincers that lock when
they are closed and that require
considerable force to open have
b en Invented by a California man,
and men who use pincers that need
a tight grip will appreciate the
Implement The Jaws are locked
by dovetail tongues that enter
sockets at their Inner ends Nor is
TEMPERED COPPER PUZZLES
Excavations In Babylon Territory Re
vivea Old Problem—Jewelry
6.COO Years Old.
Recent archaeological lnvestiga
tlons In the Babylon territory bavi
been made In the lowest stratum of
the ruins of several ancient cities.
notably Nippur. Pismya and lelloh,
and with the excavations the old pus- ^ WUiJjrewv
zle of tempered co| i er has once more most given up hept when a neighbor to.a
been brought to the attention of stu me about pr Kilmer's Swamp-Root, i
I dents and workers in metal. The im- decided to try it and began itaUi#'
j 'dements which were found and the once and a!-er taLing n1"® ■" aoell oi
i Jewelry are about 6,000 years nld, and completely curcd, g
j just three metals seem to have been
STORES TO HEALTH
For the I>0«t few year, I suffered gresfc-
Iv from what three physicians called neo-
rV.yis of the stomach. The doctors treat-
ed me without auy success and I culled IB
, fourth dic'.or, who prcuounced my d
taie nail stones. I suffered intense pa
snd the only relief the doctor could g.ve
me was hy injections of mcrphine I was
completely discouraged that I had Mj
known at that time—silver, rare gold
In abundance, and copper for all prac
tlcal as well as ornamental purposes.
Bronze was quite unknown, but the ;
remarkable part of the copper Imple-
ments Is that they seemed to be so
temper*d and hardened that the jewel
cutters and cameo engravers were
able to cut the hardest substances as
delicately and intricately as a modern
artisan can with all his appliances. A
careful analyzatlon of the copper
«ools gives no evidence of an alloy,
and the lost process remains a mya-
tery to moderns.
The Jewelry discovered. Including
gold filled hair pins, necklaces and
numerous beads, copper rings of all
sorts, and pins and gold rosets set
with stones, is beautifully designed
and proves that the smiths of that
most remote age were skilful and ar-
tistic workers.
Even such Implements as scythes
and other implements of agriculture
as well as weapons have been found
made of pure copper and hardened to
wear and cut like steel.
sickness in over two years.
I have to much confidence in bwamp-
Root that 1 never fail to recommend it to
my friends who may have kidney trcufc
of any kind. 1 feel certain that Dr. lvil-
n er's Swamp-Root sawd my life, nf
should it ti t do likewise for others who
take it in time?
Yn.1 are at liberty to use this testimony
at any time.
"Yours trulv,
MRS. 11.T.A HENRY.
810 Schaelrr Ave.
Kansas City, llOk
"tate of Missouri ) ,
County of JacU-on i
On this 28th day of July, A. T). 1019,
pcrsi nallv appeared t .'fore mo. a .Notary
l'ublic within and for said County and
t-'tate, Mrs. Ella Henry, who suhreril ed
the above statement and made oath that
the same is true.
HENRY C. FMEH\ ,
Notary I'ublio.
Lrtter to
T>r. Kiltner A Co.
Llnahamton. 5. V.
Locking Pincers.
this tool only to he used aa pincers
On either side of the Jaws are a
hammer and punch, and the divi-
ders are removably attached and are
he Id in place by thumb screws so
that they can be taken out at any
time when they are likely to be
bent by the work to which the
tool Is being used or to scratch the
user Midway up the* handle, too,
COT FOR TRAVELING INFANT
Can Be Hung Over Back of Car Seat—
Permits Child to S'eep In
Ptace and Comfort.
The problem with what to do with
baby on a long railroad ride has been
solved by a California man He has
devised a collapsible cot, which can
be hung on the back of the seat in
front and in which the child can sleep
in peace and cornlort—for lnmself, his
parents and the other passenge.s This
which the spacing J cot or berth consists of a bottom to
can bo regulated. |
is the rule by
of the dividers
Going back to the pincers it should
be mentioned that their Jaws are
bo curved that when closed they
surround a circular opening by
means of which pipes or other
round bodies may be accommodated,
though, of course, the jaws will
not lock if they do not meet at the
outer ends.
ATTfiCH WHEELS TO SLEIGH
Conveyance That Is Handy When One
Is Caught Miles From Home After
Snow Is Melted.
Any person who lias been sleighing
ap to the eleventh hour and got caught
mlleH from home after the Bnow h id
melted will appreciate the invention of
a Minnesota man here (1n-crlbed. This
Invention lis nothing If 83 than a wheel
attachment for sleig: h which enables
the driver to get home without difficul-
ty, even If the fenow is all gone. Two
pairs of wheels are attached to the
body of Ihe sleigh, with the front and
reur crank ax es mounted on pivots A
Prove What Swamp-Root Will Do For Yoo
fcend to Dr. Kilmer ti Co.. Bingham-
ton, N. Y., bra sample bottle. It will
convince anyone. You will also receive
a booklet of valuable information, tiling
all about the kidneys and bladder. When
writing, be sure and mention this paper.
}'or Bale at all drug stores. Price fifty-
cents and ene dollar.
His Specialty.
"What has become of young Mr
D'Auber. who showed such signs of
talent In drawing? Has he made a
success?"
"Oh, yes, indeed- He's got all the-
work he can do now."
"Magazine or studio work?"
"He draws the maltese cross show
ing where the body was found. In the
evening papers."—Cleveland leader.
Same Thing.
Joakley—You're right; most people
worry over what they haven't got,
but I know certain people who worry
because of what they have
Coakley—That so? What have they?
Joakley—Nothing. — The Catholic
Standard nnd Times
Infant's Traveling Cot.
support a tiny mattress and hinged
sides to fo'd down upon It when not in
use and open up for supports when the
cot Is In us '. Around the whole affair
goes a metal banker frame, from
which arise two U shaped hooks, which
hook over the back ot the seat ahead
anil support the little berth without In
terfering w ith the occupants of the for-
ward seat. As this article takes up
little room when folded. It will be
found a blessing by mothers who have
to take Infants on long trips, as It can
be adjusted in a few moments and the
little one allowed to take his rest with-
out encumbering his parent
Some people would drown with a life
preserver at hand. They are tlie^ kind
that mtier from Kheumatism nnd Neural-
gia when they e;m get llamlins Wizard
Oil, the best of all pain remedies.
The life of a man consists not In
seeing visions, and in dreaming
dreams, but In active charity and
willing service—Longfellow.
Quick as Wink.
Tf your eves neh" ''
ine sensation pptttt'S P'P S *T VR.
All druggists or Howard Hros.,Buffalo,N Y
The wealth of a man is the number
of things which lie loves and blesses,
which he is loved and blessed by.—
Carlyle.
Constipation causes and aggravates many
Serious aisenses. It is thori ugbly cured by
])r. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets. The favor-
ite family laxative.
It. would be easier to see good In
others If we didn't have so many
faults of our own.
OOV'T spoil. YOi n n.OTIIRS.
I se Red Cross Hall l'.lue and keep them
white snow. All grocers, 5c a package.
To add a library to a house is to
give that house a soul.—Cicero.
As Usual.
"Are you proud of vour daughter's
education since she graduated?"
"Yes. but she 1^ horribly ashanW
of mine."
Didn't Worry Him.
Pat Po you know. It Is unhealthy
for animals *o live with you. Mike?
Mike Shure. 1 never hea-rt * an n
ihliu conn lain—Judge
Sleigh With Wheels.
Car running through the two axles Is
adjustably connected to the rear sup-
port of the sleigh tody A strong
spring keeps the wheels clear of the
ground when they are not in use, but
when nei ded they are let down, and
the connecting bar lock'd so that the
sleigh rests on the w heels and :.ie run
ners are several Inches above the
ground It takes only a few minutes
to n ake the change and the vehicle
may be used comfortably In places
where the conditions of the road vary
Utilize Manufacturing Waste.
To utilize manufacturing waste Is in
some cases a serio is problem, and a
committee of the American Chemical
«oclety, under the chairmanship of G.
Alt man, Swarthmore, Pa. has under-
taken a solution. Manufacturers are
to report the waste available Each
kind will be given scientific lnvestiga
tion. . nd it is expectid that materials
hitherto lost will become economical
new sources of chemical elements and
i jf various profitable new products
Non-inflammable Celluloid.
A nonintlammable celluloid has
leon patented by Prof A Gautler
The chief feature of the process Is
he employment of an ether silicate
Instead of pure ether, *hlch Is or-
Ulnarliy used with alcohol ss the
| ,o vent In the ngglutlni Hon of nitro-
1 , elluloso fibers by nit an> of cam
I ihor.
INDUSTRIAL
ANI>
MECHANICAL
m NOTES®.
More than two nil es of silk fre-
quently are taken from a single co-
coon.
The United States fishing Industry
employed 229.119 persons at last re-
port.
A speclos of stiff grass, which grows
abundantly In India, is used for sticks
in making: matches in that country.
Ivory may be bleached in a bath of
unslacked lime, bran and water, after
which It should b* rubbed with a ury
sawdust.
The world's product of gold since
the discovery of America is estimated
at $130.000,000,000
Nearly goo.000 cycles are manufac-
tured in the United Kingdom In the
course of a year
Cork, if sunk 200 feet deep in the
ocean, will not rise, on account of the
pressure of the water.
Alaska's gold output last year, ac-
cording to geological survey figures,
was worth $20,462,000, the largest yield
since '90G. the record year.
The Knglish inventors of a new alloy
claim it is but little heavier than alumi
num. but as strong as steel, and that
It can be rolled, drawn, stamped, cx
panded or forged.
Timber Is protected from dry rot
and insect attacks by boiling it and
i allowing it to cool In and absorb a
saccharine volution by a new process
that comes from Australia.
Hall bearings for street car riles
are being tried out by a big car build-
ing concern.
More coal la mined per person em
ployed In the Vnlted States than In
any other nation. With Australia rauk
I lug tiexl
/
Lew in' Smtrlf Binder pt might 5c riga*
is made to satisfy the smoker
It takes more than a stinging vo
vocabulary 10 make a prophet.
Are You Sick
nr Ailing? l!ood3 Sarsapa'
I rv 1111 ■ ^ , ril'a has genuine
curative powers, peculiarly adapted to
restore health and strength in just
such a condition as you are up against
It has been doing this for more than
a third of a century. Its legions of
benefited friends telling of health re-
stored, sufferings ended, are found
everywhere. Give It a chance to help
you out by getting a bottle today.
Bad Taste
in your mouth removed whilo
you wait—tlint's true. A Cas*
caret taken when the tongue is
thick-coated with the nasty
squeamish feeling in stomach,
brings relief. It's easy, natural
tvay to help nature help you.
CASCARHTS—ioc box—week s treat-
ment. All druggists. Bigge?t seller
In the world. Milhou boxes a mouth.
EHEHHHE3! i
\ , ii . , , - . \ tiniliM i ln" . I i in 1
I lr«*m>crnfillMU«l b-rr*.\ *r|. I lrrr«.lu- |
(Intent I Merrurlal t l« hltr eli-
lite. M Ilk I.ee.Fewr Sore* .............
Thompson's Eye Wzter
REMEMBtR
9
s for Coughs k> Co ids
3
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Calumet Weekly Criterion (Calumet, Okla.), Vol. 3, No. 25, Ed. 1 Thursday, January 5, 1911, newspaper, January 5, 1911; Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. (https://gateway.okhistory.org/ark:/67531/metadc161021/m1/2/?q=j+w+gardner: accessed July 17, 2024), The Gateway to Oklahoma History, https://gateway.okhistory.org; crediting Oklahoma Historical Society.