The Press-Democrat. (Hennessey, Okla.), Vol. 15, No. 15, Ed. 1 Friday, January 4, 1907 Page: 3 of 8
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1
The Humorist's Waterloo
By J. A. TIFFANY
A group of five men were sitting at
a table smoking cigars after a little
theater supper.
"I recall a time, gentlemen," said
the professional humorist, "when I
came near registering a vow never to
attempt to make another joke so long
as I lived. This particular place where
1 met my Waterloo we will call Dole-
ville. It was a new city on my list. 1
had been engaged three months ahead
by the Literary and Historical society,
and had a check in advance.
"I did not know the place at all My
train arrived at Doleville just ten min-
utes before the time I was billed to
appear on the platform. I was met at
the station by a young fellow, who
said that the secretary was sick and
had deputed him to conduct me to the
hall. He drove me there in a closed
carriage, and pulled up at the rear en-
trance.
"As I walked up towards the front
I saw that the hall was full of people
—about 500 men and women, who
gave me a fairly cordial reception,
with the customary clapping of hands.
"X made my bow. I had been billed
for a 'patter' entertainment, and I
started off with some preliminary
monologue nonsense, which lasted
probably about ten minutes. Then I
stopped to take breath and to give
them a chance to applaud. But the
only visible signs of intelligence
among those 500 men and women
•were a few questioning glances that
folks directed to those sitting near
them—as though they were thorough-
ly mystified and did not know what 1
was driving at.
" 'They're worse than I thought,' 1
said to myself. 'Perhaps a few mo-
ther-in-law jokes might come within
the range of their intellectual possi-
bilities;' and I revitalized some of
those refined conceits that used to be-
guile the long evenings of our ances-
tors in the stone age. But every one
of those jokes fell flat.
"In the hope that there might be
some English people or people of Eng-
lish parentage in the audience, I next
experimented on them with a succes-
sion of the most atrocious puns that
ever were perpetrated on either side
of the Atlantic.
"But those 500 men and women con-
tinued to gaze at me in sad-eyed Im-
mobility of countenance.
• I told them stories of Scotchmen,
Irishmen, Germans and Jews—dialect
stories and simple anecdotes; but in
spite of all I could do they maintained
their stolid imperturbability of mein.
"I told them of a man going home
at three o'clock in the morning and
betting a companion that his wife's
first words to him would be, 'My dear.'
Maybe you know how it goes. Man
rings and kicks when ho gets to the
door of his house; wife sticks head
out of upper window and snaps out
'Who's there?' Man answers, 'It's me,
my dear.' Wife snarls, 'My dear—my
—devil!' and man wins bet.
"I thought I detected the faintest
suspicion of a smile on the features
of an old gent sitting in the front—
fancied I had set him thinking of the
days long ago when he had been a
sad dog himself. Well, a drowning
man clutches at straws, you know;
and for the next 15 minutes I ad-
dressed myself exclusively to that
hoary old reprobate, telling him all
the funny stories of drunken men that
I could remember or extemporize. But
he had evidently relapsed into the
same comatose condition as the rest
of my audience, and 1 failed to awa-
ken the iBJntest appearance of inter-
est in blm or anybody else.
"In sheer desperation I - resolvt-d
upon ? novel and idiotic expedient In
the drawling, sing-song, stammering
style of a bucolic schoolboy I began
reciting 'Twinkle, twinkle, little Btar,'
and just as I Btarted I observed a gen-
tleman come in at the door at the far
end of the room and take a seat. I
had not recited more than half a doz-
en lines before the newcomer gave a
tremendous guffaw—to me welcome as
a sail seen by a shipwrecked mariner
on a desert Island far out of the ocean
highways. I gave the stranger a
grateful look, and for the rest of the
evening 1 addressed myself to him,
pointedly looking and talking over the
heads of the rest of my audience.
gjks I continued my recitation, my
friend at the far end of the hall was
seized with a perfect paroxysm of
mirth. He fairly shook and choked
with laughter. Before I was through
with 'Twinkle, twinkle, little star' he
had fallen from his chair and was
rolling and writhing on the floor In a
perfect frenzy of mirth.
"Before proceeding to my next ef-
fort I waited two or three minutes for
my friend to recover his composure,
and then said;
" 'If the gentleman at the back of
the hall will kindly give me his atten-
tion I will now tell him the wonderful
f.tory of the three-legged camel, the
blind sheik, the hair-lipped dragoman
and the lost gourd—a story which
Rameses the Third, king of Egypt,
considered so funny that he caused it
to be engraved on a large stone tablet
and placed over his coflin at the foot
of the great pyramid.'
"My friend wiped the tears and
perspiration from his eyes and cheeks
and took his seat again. But I had
not proceeded far with the impromptu
nonsense story that I was telling for
his especial benefit before he slipped
to the floor again and rolled over and
over, one moment convulsed with sup-
pressed mirth, the next emitting ter-
rific explosions of laughter.
"The most remarkable part of the
whole thing was, gentlemen, that not
a soul in the audience appeared to feel
the contagion of his merriment. Their
curiosity was not even aroused enough
to cause one of them to turn rouud
and look at the fellow who was acting
so uproariously.
"I rambled on with my ifotic storj
of the three-legged camel, the blind
sheik, the hair-lipped dragoman and
the lost gourd until my friend at the
back of the room could laugh no
longer. Thoroughly exhausted he
picked himself from the floor and,
panting and shobbing, he called out to
me;
" 'Oh, cheese it, boss, for God's sake,
cheese it! If you don't quit 1 shall
die. Come out and have a drink.'
" 'I'm with you, sir,' I answered.
'Come up here, or meet me at the
back door.'
" 'I thank you, ladies and gentle-
men,' 1 said, addressing the rest of my
audience, 'for your presence this eve-
ning and for the enthusiae'le recep-
tion you have given me. I wish you
a very good evening, and I hope I may
never set eyes on anv of your faces
again so long as I live.'
"That set my friend off into hyster-
ics again; but by the time I had put
on my hat and coat and got down-
stairs I found him there waiting for
MUST GUARD THE TRADEMARK.
Cubans Register Them and Demand
Royalties from Owners.
Americans who seek to do business
In Cuba are confronted with a peculiar
variety of peculation,-—appropriation of
trademarks The department of com-
merce and labor issues a warning to
all manufacturers who have any
thought of exporting goods to Cuba.
If they do not immediately register
their trademarks, others will.
Speculators are using the trade-
marks of popular American goods, and
the manufacturer of the genuine artl
cle when he enters the Cuban market
finds himself compelled to buy out the
speculator if he wishes to market Ills
wares under the proper name. When
the speculator registers a trademark
he has a hold on the American manu-
facturer, and he may demand and col
lect any price.
In some instances speculators hold-
ing the Cuban rights to tradesmarks
of American manufacturers have com-
pelled the manufacturer to pay them
a royalty.
It Is therefore essential that Ameri-
cans protect themselves by paying the
$12.50 required for registration and
thus prevent the confiscation of their
trademarks
DISFIGURING SKIN HUMOR.
" 'Come on, come on,' he said, 'I
can't say a word till I've drunk a pint
of beer.'
"Ho led the way Into a private room
in a saloon of the better sort, ordered
drinks and cigars, and then fell off
his chair in an ecstasy of uncontrolla-
ble mirth. At last, when he had re-
covered and drank off a big shouper
of beer, he turned to me and asked:
"'Who in blazes did you think you
were talking to to-night?'
" I was talking to 500 of the most
insensate blockheads that ever were
gathered together under one roof on
the continent of North America,' 1 re-
plied.
" 'Yes, but what body was it that
you were addressing?'
" 'I was addressing the members of
the Literary and Historical associa-
tion of Doleville,' was my reply.
"'Ah, ah, ah! Oh, Lord! But it was
funny! It was too funny for anything.
Who took you into that hall?'
" 'I described to him the young man
who had met me at the station and
driven me to the place.
" 'Yes, yes—couldn't have been any-
body else. I know him. It was Char-
lie Swift, the greatest practical joker
in Doleville. He must have got some-
body to take the other fellow to the
other hall. Funniest thing I ever saw
in my life.'
" 'What was it that was so awfully
funny?' I asked. 'My entertainment?'
"'Yes, sir—exactly; your entertain-
ment! Your standing up In that hall
for an hour and a half, telling funry
stories to the state convention of de.if
mutes!'
" 'Deaf mutes,' I repeated—'deaf
mutes! Do you mean to tell me, sir,
that my audience was composed of
deaf mutes?'
" 'Every man and woman In the
whole bunch, except myself,' my
friend replied. 'You Bee,' he contin-
ued, 'you were billed to appear at the
Odd Fellows' hall, and Instead of that
you went to the Handel hall. I was
at the other place, where a thousand
people assembled to hear you.
" 'A man came on the platform and
began opening and closing his mouth
without saying a word—without utter-
ing a sound of any kind. At first the
people roared. They thought it was
some odd whim of humor that had got
hold of you. But after about ten min-
utes of it Borne of them began U pro-
test.
" 'Here, quit that mummery and tell
us something funny!' one man called
out.
" 'But still the man on the platform
went on—moving his lips and not
making a sound.
" 'Stop your mouthing and talk Eng-
lish! 'Fake!' 'Humbug!' 'Give us our
money back!'
" 'Finally about a score of the hot
test-headed fellows made a rush for
the platform. The lecturer saw they
meant business and bolted. He got
away through a back door and is
probably out of town by now.
" 'He was the fellow that was to
have given an address to your audi
ence In the new lip language that is
expected to supersede the old system
of manual signs with deaf mutes. I
thought I would come around to the
Handel hall and see what was going
on. I thought there might he some
fun. But I never dreamed of finding
you reciting "Twinkle, twinkle, little
star," to 500 deaf mutes.'"
(Copyright, 1906, by Dally Story Pub. Co.)
In Eagle Eye.
"Your citizens don't object to big
automobiles passing through this set-
tlement, do they?" asked the nervous
chauffeur.
"Wal, I should say not," chuckled
the big mayor. "It is great sport."
"Ah, I am glad that you think so."
"Yes, we would rather shoot an au-
tomobile any day than we would a
common b'ar."—Chicago Daily News.
m possible to Get Employment, as
Face and Body Were Covered with
Sores—Cured by Cuticura.
"Since the year 1894 I have been
troubled with a very bad case of ec-
zema which 1 have spent hundreds of
dollars trying to cure, and I went to
the hospital, but they failed to cure
me, and it was getting worse all the
time. Five weeks ago my wife bought
a box of Cuticura Ointment and one
cake of Cuticura Soap, and I am
pleased to say that 1 am now com-
pletely cured and well. It was im-
possible for me to get employment,
as my face, head and body were cov-
ered with it. The eczema first ap-
peared on the top of my head, and it
had worked all the way around down
the back of my neck and around to my
throat, down my body and around the
hips. It Itched so I would he obliged
to scratch it, and the flesh was raw.
I am now all well, and 1 will be
pleased to recommend the Cuticura
Remedies to all persons who wish a
speedy and permanent cure of skin
diseasos." Thomas M. Rossiter, 290
Prospect Street, East Orange, u. J.,
Mar. 30, 1905.
Dvpint? is ra<v n« wn«hinc when
Pl l NAM l-'ADKI.KSS DYES uro used.
Ask your druggist.
Ho hastens to repentance who hasti-
ly Judges.—l'ublius Syru*.
Garfield Tea, the Herb laxative, is mild
and potent; take it for constipation and
to regulate a sluggish liver.
A one-sided affair is all right If It
happens to be a bright side.
Lewis* Single Hinder straight 5e eipar
made of rich, mellow tobacco. \ our
dealer or Lewis' Factory. Peoria. 111.
Men who pose as judges of human
nature get a good many hard bumps.
TO ri'ltE A <Ol.l> I.N ONE DAY
Take I.AVAT1VI HU<>Mi yniinne Int. mb. I riiR-
| ,.| i,nd nouii * I u r lts to ejira. K. \v
UllOVE s ^nature t on cacb box
Cheap Sterilization.
Tests made In France Indicate that
water can be sterilized with ozone at
tho cost of about a cent and a half
for every one thousand gallons, when
the process is carried on on a large
■caie.
The extraordinary popularity of fine
white goods this summer makes the
choice of Starch a matter of great Im-
portance. Dollance Starch, being free
from all injurious chemicals, is the
only one which is safe to use on fine
fabrics. Its great strength as a stiff
ener makes half the usual quantity of
| Starch necessary, with the result of
perfect finish, equal to that when the
goods were new.
Why German Ship Was Favored.
Sir West Ridgeway, until lately
governor of Ceylon, returned to Eng-
land from that country in a German
steamship. The question was raised
in the house of commons why he had
not traveled on a British vessel. The
colonial secretary explained that Sir
West was allowed to take his pet dog
with him on tho German ship, a priv-
ilege the English ships had denied
him.
DcKt Suffer
&11 nl^ht ion0 from toothache
neurdJ<5ie . or rheumatism.
: <Sl0d0V!S
Liivincveivt
kills the p^in — quiets the
nerves e^nd induces sleep
At evil de&lers. Price 25c 50c &H00
Dr E&rl S.SIca.r\., Bostor\,Ma.ss.U.S.A,
SICK HEADAGNE
CARTER'S
Positively cored by
these Little Pills.
They also re Here Dis-
tress from Dyspepsia. In-
digestion and Too Hearty
Eating. A perfect rem-
edy for Dizziness, Nausea,
Drowsiness, Il-d Taste
In tho Woutli, Coat (Hi
Tongue, Puln lu tho Side,
TORPID LIVER. They
regulate tho Bowels. Purely Vegetable.
SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE.
IPlTVlE
WlVER
H PILLS.
READERS
of this p?.per da-
511itig to t-uy any-
thing advertised in
its columns should insr i upon having
v/hnt tlitv ask lor, rut using all substi-
tutes or imitations.
ELECTC«TYPF.S]
In frrmt variety for m I« nt tlie |ow**t prli'M l.y 1
t.K.kLLUM*! Nk hl Ar«J (4 ..U w. ><u> hlittC* V
i in- ———rrn 1 i wr~t ~*
CARTERS
ITTLL
IVER
PILLS.
Genuine Must Bear
Fac-Simile Signature
REFUSE SUBSTITUTES.
DEFJ&KGE STARCH—
—other Rtan'lp** only 12 ounce*— nm«' pit e «nd
"DE-FIANCE" IS SUPERIOR QUALITY*
" ! Th#«t an':
N. U., WICHITA,
Writer on South America.
Mrs. Marie Robinson Wright, who
has traveled more in South American
republics and written more about them
than any other woman in the world,
has sailed for London, whence she
sails to Itio Janeiro, Brazil. She goes
under an engagement by the Brazilian
government to continue her work on a
history of the Brazilian republic. She
has written histories of the Bolivian
republic, Chile and Peru and is also
preparing a book upon Argentina.
A Great Outside Remedy.
Most pains are of local origin--a
"crick" in the back, a twinge of rheu-
matism, a soreness all over arising
from a cold—are all curcd by outside
applications. The quickest, safest and
most certain method is Allcock's
Plaster, known the world over as a
universal remedy for pain. They never
fail, they act promptly, they are clean
and cheap. You can go right ahead
with your work while the healing pro-
cess goes on. Sixty years' use has
given them a great reputation.
Bull Was Up to Date.
"Good gracious," said the woman
chauffeur, "that bull seems awfully
angry, doesn't he?"
"It's your red automobile, ma'am,'
explained tho farmer.
She flushed and bit her lip.
"I know it is an old-fashioned 1904
model," she murmured, "but who'd
have thought a stupid old country bull
would notice that?"
How's This?
We offer One Hundred Dollars Rewnrd for any
caac of Catarrh that cannot be cured by Ilail's
Catarrh Cure.
F. .1. CHENEY A CO., Toledo. O.
We. the undersigned, have known !•'. J. Cheney
for tho l.tnt 15 year*, and believe him perfectly hon-
orable in a,I tMiBliui-n transaction* and financially
abie to carry out a;iy obllgRiloud made liy bin firm.
Waliuko. Kinvan A Marvin,
VYki ie*Ale JlruKflht*. Tolcde. O.
Hall's Catarrh Cure Is taken Internally. aciU>K
directly upon the blood and uiiicouh surfaces of tlie
system. TentDiionlals sent free, l'rlco cents per
bottle. Sold by nil Druggists.
Take Hall's 1'iunPv J' 11* f.T constipation.
WhatJoyThey Bung
To Every HOME
as with Joyous hearts and smiling faces they romp and play—when in health — and
how conducive to health the games in which they indulge, the outdoor life they
enjoy, the cleanly, regular habits they should be taught to form and the wholesome
diet of which they should partake. How tenderly their health should be preserved,
not by constant medication, but by careful avoidance of every medicine of an injuri-
ous or objectionable nature, and if at anytime a remedial agent is required, to assist
nature, only those of known excellence should be used; remedies which are pure
and wholesome and truly beneficial in effect, like the pleasant laxative remedy,
Syrup of Figs, manufactured by the California Fig Syrup Co. .Syrup of Figs has
come into general favor in many millions of well informed families, whose estimate
of its quality and excellence is based upon personal knowledge and use.
Syrup of Figs has also met with the approval of physicians generally, because
they know it is wholesome, simple and gentle in its action. We inform all reputa-
ble physicians as to the medicinal principles of Syrup of Figs, obtained, by an
original method, from certain plants known to them to act most beneficially and
presented in an agreeable syrup in which the v/holesome Californian blue figs are
used to promote the pleasant taste ; therefore it is not a secret remedy and hence
we are free to refer to all well informed physicians, who do not approve of patent
medicines and never favor indiscriminate self-medication.
Please to remember and teach your children also that the genuine Syrup of Figs
always has the full name of the Company—California Fig Syrup Co.— plainly
printed on the front of every package and that it is for sale in bottles of one size
only. If any dealer offers any other than the regular Fifty cent size, or having
printed thereon the name of any other company, do not accept it. If you fail to get
the genuine you will not get its beneficial effects. Every family should always have
a bottle on hand, as it is equally beneficial for the parents and the children,
whenever a laxative remedy is required.
Two of a Kind.
"You want to marry my daughter?"
asked old Goldrox.
"Yes, sir," replied the young man.
"We have many things In common."
"But she Is extravagant."
"So am I. '—Yonkers Statesman.
Generosity, when once set going,
knows not how to stop; as the more
familiar we are with the lovely form,
the more enamored we become of her
charms.—Pliny the Younger.
Defiance Starch—Never sticks to the
Iron—no blotches—no blisters, makes
ironing easy and does not injure the
goods.
What a different world this would
be if we were all as smart as we think
we are.
Lewis' Sinple Binder straight 5c. Many
PinokeiH prefer them to 10c cigars. Your
dealer or Lewis' Factory, Peoria, 111.
A woman has but little use for a
man who thinks he is the whole
thing.
I'll.IH CCBED IN O TO 14 DATS.
PAZO OINTMKNT is Kiiarauteed toeura any ease
of ltetnnc. linnd, Bleed iiik or 4'n-irud.ng l'ile in
u to 14 days or money refunded. 6Uc.
Lots of women get married before
they can afford to.
A Positive
CURE
Ely's Cream Balm
is quickly absorbed.
Cives Helief at Once.
It cleanses, soothes!
heals and protectsl
the diseased meto-1
I bruno. It cures Ca-I
tarrh and drives!
away a Cold in
Head quickly. ^e"lftAY FFWFfl
stores the Henses of 1 C V l bt
Taste and Smell. l'till size 50cts.,at Drug-
.ists or by mail; Trial Size 10 els. by mail.
LM v Brothers, .r/G Y/urren Street. New Y o -k.
Must All Wear Beards.
The Waiters' union of Rome recent-
ly decreed that hereafter each mem-
ber must wear a beard.
Mm. Wlnslow'n Soothlr.** Syrap.
Tor children teething, Hufteuw the trumi, reduce* In-
t*mii>ptioi> aiitt}9i>*ln.curug wind colli;. 5&c a bottle.
Of two grafts a politician is apt to
grab both.
NO MORE MUSTARD PLASTERS TO BLISTER.
THE SCIENTIFIC AND MODERN EXTERNAL COUNTER-IRRITANT.
CAPISICUM
VASELINE
EXTRACT OF THE CAYENNE PEPPER PLANT
A OUICK, SURE. SAFE AND ALWAYS READY CURE FOR PAIN.—P£ICE
15c.-IN COLLAPSIBLE TUBES A I ALL DRUGGISTS AND DEALERS. OR
bY MML ON RECEIPT OF 15c. IN POSTAGE SiAMFo. IJON T WAIT
TILL THE PAIN CCIMLS-KEEH A TUBE HANDY.
A substitute for and superior to mustard or any other plaster, and will not
blister the most delicate skin. The pair-allaying and curative qualities of
the article are wonderful. It will stop the toothache at once, and relieve
Headache and Sciatica. We recommend it as the best and safest external
counter-irritant known, also as an external remedy for pains in the chest
and stomach and all Rheumatic, Neuralgic and Gouty complaints. A trial
will prove what we claim for it, and It will be found to be invaluable in the
household and for children. Once used 110 family will be without it. Many
people say "it is the best of all your preparations." Accept no preparation
of vaseline unless the same carries our label, as otherwise It is not genuine.
SEND YOUR ADDRESS AND WE V/ILL MAIL OUR VASE-
LINE PAMPHLET WHICH WILL INTEREST YOU.
CHESEBROUGH MFG. CO.
17 STATE STREET, NEW YORK CITY
m
Bacause of those ugiy, grizzly, gray halra. (Jse " LA CRtOLE " HAIR RESTORER. Price. SI.OO, retail.
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Haskett, Annette B. The Press-Democrat. (Hennessey, Okla.), Vol. 15, No. 15, Ed. 1 Friday, January 4, 1907, newspaper, January 4, 1907; Hennessey, Oklahoma. (https://gateway.okhistory.org/ark:/67531/metadc132112/m1/3/?q=j+w+gardner: accessed June 17, 2024), The Gateway to Oklahoma History, https://gateway.okhistory.org; crediting Oklahoma Historical Society.