THE SHAWNEE NEWS.
EAvGE> OF FUN
YES, THEY ARE.
J J | OMEN ore curious critter®, ain't
fill they," he asked of the man with
the bulbous nose.
"Well, I dunno," wu the reply.
"Mjr wife wanted to go to the country
for fix weeka. It coat me over a hundred
dollari to get her ready."
"Yea?"
"And 1 wrote a doaen let tern before I
could And a place for hfer."
"Of course." %
"And I told her that while I wlahed I
could go along and be with her every
hour of the day, business made It Im-
possible."
"I aee."
"And the night before she left we had
a long and affectionate talk, and she got
me to admit that I ahould miss her ter-
ribly."
"A-ba!"
"And she had been gone Just 12 hours,
and we had Juat got a poker game under
way. when In ahe walked."
"Certainly."
"She said she had come-back ao that
I wouldn't be lonely. Ever hear of a
case like It?"
"Oh, yea. I have made an ass of my-
self that way about 10 times."
JOE KERR.
SYMPATHETIC ADMIRATION.
Dinks—So you enjoyed the clrcua?
Winks Yes; I was particularly inter-
ested in the Juggler. I'll bet that man
could get any number of bundles from a
street car to the train without dropping
one of them
Dototh.v- Very few of us
hastily qpoken
Dan Well, I realize it.
IK REALIZED IT
i ize the terrible things tin
frmn a wort
*«d to bo a baseball umpire In my college days.
It Was the Other Way.
m!t. JONES, said the senior partner
In the wholesale drygood bouse to
the drummer who stood before him
In tUe private office, "you have been with
ua for the past 10 yeara."
"Yes, sir."
"And you ought to know the rules of
the hou«e One of them Is that no man
of ours shall take a aide line."
"But I have none, sir."
"Hut you have lately got married."
"Yes. but can you call that a side line,
Mr. JonesV"
"Technically, It may not be."
*You needn't fear that having a wife
Is going to bring me lu off a trip any
sooner."
"Oh, I don't. It Is the fear that hav
ing a wife nt home you'll want to atay
out on the road altogether!"
JOE KERR.
3
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m
Tm©
A
V
WHAT- HE MISSED.
Miss Sweet Do you believe In coeducation, Mr. Squeeze?
Mr. Squeeze—indeed 1 do. I shall never forgive myself for neglecting to take a
postgraduate course at Vassar.
What He Will Do.
fROM our esteemed contemporaries
all over the country we glean that
Mr. Roosevelt will do the following
things:
He wiP run for President In 1912.
He will run for governor of New York
two years hence.
He will run for United States Senator
In due time.
He will open a law office In New York
city.
He will go Into the real estate bualness.
He will buy an Interest In a wholesale
grocery.
He will become President of Venezuela.
He will experiment with flying
machines.
He will open the biggest chicken farm
In the known world.
He will become president of a new
bank.
He will take the presidency of a rail-
road.
He will turn poet.
He will take the lecture platform.
He will go to the South Pole.
He will ra'.se nine kinds of—(yon know
what).
That's all there Is up to date, but
there's more to come.
JOE KERR.
HIS ONE DESIRE..
Waggles—Der la one time when I'd
really like to be president.
Mr. Cioode—Aht what a noble ambition!
And when Is that?
Waggles— Why, when he takes his vaca-
tion.
kH, shirt waist girl.
In garments white.
An airy creature
Of delight;
A bird you are
Without the wing
And quite too cute
For anything!
| 1TH saucy glance
And figure nea;
You look quite good
Enough to eat,
For you appear
Indeed a dream
Of peaches In
A sea of cream.
M YOURS to order
Here or there,
Your humble servant,
For I swear
I'm ever tempted
To pursue
And leave my happy
Home for you.
TURNED DOWN.
He—Seema to me I've seen you somewhere before.
Bhe— Yes, you're the same lobater that loaffd around here all last summer.
OF COURSE.
Mra. Jokelt On my birthday my hus-
band gave me something he made himself
Mrs. Askltt—What was that?
Mrs. Jokelt—A $50 note.
Mrs. Aakltt My! He must be thrifty-
Mrs. Jokelt—I'm glad you didn't think
he was a counterfeiter.
WHAT 11E THOUGHT
Silas- Some of ther animals in ther cir-
cus must hev got away In New York
yistlddy.
Hiram Why, Silas?
Silas The paper says there were lots
of bears on the stock exchange yistlddy.
A Different Case.
stopped In front of a grocery to
■ v >ok at some berries, and after he had
■ / raid the grocer saying to a customer
t.iut the railroads had no legal or moral
right to raise rateB he butted In with:
"But the same rule should apply to
you. You raise prices without consulting
any law, don't you?"
"But It's different, sir far different."
"I don't see how. When I was along
here the other day you had blackberries
marked at 12 cents. Today they are
marked at 14. By what legal or moral
right did you mark them up?"
"I will tell you, sir Yesterday I con-
tributed GO cents In cash to the heathen.
This morning I got 00 boxes of berries
from the market I put two cents a
quart extra on the price, so tbaj If the
heathen came urouud 1 could get my
money back."
"But you get back double what you
contributed."
"Oh, the other ,* 0 Is my reward for be-
ing good-hearted. You see, when you
come to figure It out It's nothing at all
like the railroad cases."
JOE KERR.
OTT7T^fP
m
MAN WANTED.
Hotel Clerk—Here's a proposition.
Proprietor—What is It ?
Hotel Clerk—The boarders say that If we'll get a man here they'l
pay bla board.
bUT INOT ENOUGH.
A
BLIND MAN'S BLUFF.
"It's teacher!1"
baby to
Joah—You say fee «
mvtr ""H
luuur
TAKE.
ipaeta to make bar-
ml WWia be
boaidan it > dollar
fee villa** pfco-
AN OFFENDED ARTIST.
First Farmer—There's no uao o' talkin',
I can't get along with soma & these here
tosuner guests.
Sfcong Ktimr wtur, CM trmbiiT
Pint (Unr I have )<*" ban laeturad
1' rouag unman wits
tM goior Kham, of
tii rwtttn' (aria (mu on tto
Wayside Wisdom.
It is when Justice regains bar vision
that she Is most blind
Man la the martyr of his own asplra
tlons.
If you want people to ba Interested In
your troubles, be Interested In theirs.
v If you knew the full hlatory of the
average self-made man, you w uld con-
clude that his wife daaerved all the credit
for the Job.
see
More man axe made by opportunity
than ther* are opportunitlea made by
men.
• • •
Some typewriters—Judged by their work
—ought to be called typewrongers.
It la aatoulahlng how much cold a wom-
an can manage with a six-Inch aquare
lace handkerchief.
Whan a man haa nothing else in bis
pockets, he ti expected to pocket lnaulta.
• s a
▲ man feels the need of a good char-
acter moat after he,£as lost one.
There are people who will buy any-
thine on eight if they ere allowed to pay
for It oa ti*;*.
SIR," he said to the man with a paper
•u the street car—"air, you must be
an intelligent man?"
"Yes, sir, I am,'' was the reply.
"You must be familiar with history?"
"Yes, sir."
"And politics?"
"Yes.'
"You may be up in philosophy and as-
tronomy?"
"Very well up, sir.''
"And in matters of state craft?"
"I know all about them, sir."
"Good. I wish to ask a question or
two. First, what was the Pinchot-Ballln-
ger row about, and secondly, when In
Texas will It be decided?"
"Sir," replied., the other' after a mo-
ment's thought, 1 am an educated, well-
posted man. I know the ups and downs
:ind the all arounds, but I'll be hanged
If I know enough to answer your ques-
tion. Ask me something about the cook
or what the old cow died of?"
JOE KERR.
WHAT FLATTERS THEM MOST.
In her trim little bathing suit ahe sat
on the white aand.
MI adore Intelligence," she cried.
"So do I," aald he. ' All tbe same,
though, beauty and Intellect never go to-
gether."
"And do you think me Intellectual?"
she faltered.
"No/' he confesaed frankly.
With a faint fluah ahe murmured:
"Flatterer. "
Boarder*
TA^eN
V
Boarder
Farmer
bunkoed Jlat
THE MODERN WAY.
suppose you go to the city at least once a year?
used tew, but^> ain't been thar fer eeveral years neow.
well by mall, fl^oab!
Seaee we get rural free
I Ha (M