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Wedding
By GEORGE
Clara J bad said "yes” and the
next evening I waded Into the Van-
vivver mansion to drag Papa's and
Mamma’s consent away from them
So long as I played light comedy
roles I knew I was a hot favorite with
the old folks at home but when it
came to doing a leading part and
walking oft with the daughter I be-
gan to get uneasy for fear they’d
reach for the egg basket and hand me
a few unripe scrambles
When ' I squeezed through the por-
tiere I found the old lady and gentle-
man very busy discussing their plans
for a summer trip
"Where are you going to spend the
summer John?” inquired Father giv-
ing me a limp paw which I shook
hurriedly and then handed back to
him
Here was an opening — a grand
chance to butt In right at the go off
“Well to tell you the solemn we
haven’t decided yet” I answered
"WE!” they both echoed
“Why John I thought you were
playing a lone hand?” said the old
gentleman ”I’ve always known you
as a young man who could walk up
and down Easy Btreet without a
guardian or a time-card This Is the
first time I ever heard you speak of
a pull-back! Whence the WE?"
"I always thought you were free to
go and come as you pleased John”
the old lady put In
- Here waa my chance to climb the
family tree and knock down the fruit
but for some reason or other the
blood seemed to rush to my voice
and I went backwards like a crab
Papa had fixed me with his steel-
blue eyes and I could see by mother’s
expression that she was beginning to
set me back as one of those double-
life leaders
My collar began to faint and my
hands grew nervous and wanted to
light each other
"The fact Is ladies and gentlemen —
er — I mean Mr Vanvivver and you
too Mother— er — that la ”
Then I grabbed a cat-fish grin and
sat there till I used It all up I was
over the edge Say this marriage
business is Immense after the whistle
blows but the preliminaries make me
sick
"You seem to be a little to the
bad this evening John" said Father
and Mamma began to shake her head
as though she had a mental tintype
of me far out on the road to ruin and
walking fast
I went at them again "As a mat-
- ter of fact I merely dropped around
this evening to inquire if you could —
that la to say If it Is possible for you
to give me — to give me your— your—
Overboard again and not a life pre-
server in sight
It was pitiful ' -
"Most extraordinary attack of hesi-
tation I ever knew you to have” said
Father while Mamma simply sat there
and focussed me with her sad re-
proachful lanterns
"Perhaps you need something to
brace you up” suggested the old gen-
tleman I needed a sanitarium and a corps
of efficient physicians but I didn’t
say so
At that moment I was doing a
chump act never before equalled In
the history of the world My eyes
looked like ' a couple of vacant lots
and I had reversed grins and was
now using the style most affected by
a stuffed leopard
"The boy may be suffering from
incipient brain fever or is he In
love?” whispered the old lady
"Huh!” exclaimed Papa "in love
eh? That's It When’s the wedding?
who’s the girl? Sorry to lose you
John but the best of friends must
part In the divorce court Ha ha!”
That cackle went right through me
and splashed on the wall behind me
The old man was a fierce Joke pusher
“Come on now' John” he con-
tinued "who la she? Have you told
Clara? She’ll be lonely for you are
certainly the beet time killer she ever
bad Speak out we are your friends
V HOBART
even If you are going to pasg us up”
"It was good of you John to come
to ufl with the news first Wasn’t It
Absalom?” smiled the old lady
Father nodded his head vigorously
and there I sat with my mouth wide
open — a regular Charlie Foollshface
I wanted to speak but every word In
my body was back-pedalling '
It was scandalous
If I had realized what It meant to
go up against an unuspecting family
council 1 certainly would have coaxed
Clara J to elope Then I could have
sent her beloved parents a - postal
card breaking the awful news thus:
"May 1 have your daughter? Thanks
I have her now Last tag you’re It”
I began to recover consciousness
slowly and muttered "You have me
sized wrong
“What I want to ask you Is may I — ”
Just then Tacks rushed in with a
whoop “Pop! Mom! What d’ye
think? John Henry and Clara Jane
are going to get married!”
“Greenwood cemetery — no flow
ers!” I murmured and waited for the
axe
After a painful pause I opened my
eyes and said "What’s the answer?”
Papa and Mamma had risen and
were giving me the look-over with a
side-smile I couldn’t quite understand
“What’s the answer?” I repeated
prepared to duck and avoid a rush of
furniture to the head
Papa placed Mamma’s arm gently
under his own and started away
At the door the old gentleman
turned and said "John it’s up to
you!”
Then they both chuckled and left
me flat
If ever that boy Tack needs a
friend I’m for the Job sure thing!
Two or three evenings later I
picked my way Into the house be-
tween double rows of messenger boys
and dry goods deliverers: fell over
about eight tons of packages and
after divers perils by land and sea
finally drifted Into the parlor There
sat Marietta Dawson telling Clara J
all she had ever heard
Marietta was to be the maid of
honor but to hear her talk you’d
think she was the leading lady That
girl had the busiest ’ voice I ever
heard
She certainly was a hard worker
with the gab
"Evening ladles!” I said
Clara J gave me a spectral sort of
a smile and Marietta shook her back
hair at me then they clinched
"But I’m afraid Marietta” — Clara
J was at the bat — "that I may not
look well In Ivory white I do wish
Marietta that I had chosen the other
shade and the train Marietta don’t
you think two yards too long for me?
Now do tell me! I’m sure It will be
Oh Marietta do you think that old
lace will be as becoming as the fresh
tulle would have been?”
"Nice evening!” I suggested but
they had forgotten I was in the room
"Why Clara Jane!” gurgled the
girl with the spendthrift tongue "you
know that your old point will turn
all the women green with envy I’m
sure nothing on earth could persuade
ms to think of a tulle veil when I had
such perfectly exquisite lace Now
there was Helen Duval — you remem-
ber when Helen was married? She
had one of those——'
Then Marietta pulled the ' throttle
wide open and took us to Helen’s
wedding and back again and all over
the place It was one of the longest
and noisiest Journeys I ever made
"Got any wood for ms to saw?” I
interrupted after a bit I was tired
of playing solitaire
"Pardon us” said Marietta ‘ giving
ms enough eye-ice to keep me cut-
ting for a month "we arc so busy!
Then to Clara J "what did you say
dear?”
Clara J grabbed her cue "Really
now Marietta do you think that the
sleeves are clever? I think a frock
with poor sleeves is an abomination
"Just think of being married ' in
sleeves that were not absolutely
smart!” cried Marietta
Her voice seemed to have a high
fever
"And the lines' of the skirt” Clara
J went on "do you think they are
good? You know a wedding dress
should have good lines Marietta
good sweeping -lines Of course 1
know the design was good but made
up Marietta do you think it will be
good made up?” '
"When do you expect to get those
glad garments cooked up?” i‘' ven-
tured but all the wires were clowq In
my direction and I got no answer
Clara J took out her hammer and
began to tap the bridesmaids while
Marietta held the anvil so I got up
sideways and went home '
It was the most cruel game ' of
freeze-out I ever sat In
All in good season the presents be-
gan to show up One evening the min-
ister who was a friend of the family
dropped In to see If they would suit
Nearly everybody I knew had sent us
a cut-glass decanter and he made me
rush out and sign the pledge -
With the exception of two or three
of those present the wedding was the
happiest affair of the kind I ever at-
tended I was one of the exceptions
-When the fateful hour drew nigh
The Minister Mads Ms Rush Out and
8lgn the Pledge
my heart crawled up In my throat and
refused to go back home I suppose
It wanted to see the show
As I stood near the chancel waiting
for the bride to come and get me 1
felt like a bottle of ketchup with the
cork out It seemed to me that ev-
erybody in the 'World was giving me
the fish eye '
I couldn’t remember whether 1
should wear my hands in my pockets
or In my mouth so I tried both styles
Presently 1 caught the eye of Syd-
ney DeBrle and he didn’t do a thing
but throw off a grin that nearly put
me out of the wedding business
Sydney was one of the ushers- but
he should have been away back sit-
ting down at his work in the soap
factory He was one of the Five Lit-
tle Shines who used to drop In on
Clara J of an evening and tease her
with their talk I don’t know why I
ever consented to let that human potato-salad
be an usher He couldn’t
ush for sour pickles All he could do
was to put his face where I could see
it and let tired Nature do the rest
About this time Billy DeVries my
best man began to wilt I didn’t
dare look at him but I knew that
mentally he was yelling for ice water
Outwardly he was very nervous and
he put in his spare time trying to
chew his necktie
Still the thought flashed over me
that Billy being a college graduate
and a football survivor showed won-
derful self-control In confining him-
self to a conflict between his teeth
and his necktie It’s a wonder he
didn’t give the minister the low tackle
and try for a touchdown
Then the procession came down
the aisle and the bell rang for the
wind-up
Clfira J was a dream I played an
alarm clock
One of the bridesmaids got gabby
and wanted to talk her way Into the
main tent but all aroynd her word
kind-hearted people so she wasn’t
pinched
Pretty soon the minister sprung
that old gag on me about the ring
and I suppose for a - moment he
thought he had me but I fooled him
I know it’s customary for the bride-
groom to get so rattled that he loses
the ring vso I wasn’t taking any
chances The day before the wedding
I bought eight rings and when the
battle was raging I had them stored
away in every pocket and a spare one
in each shoe
No fumble on the ring — not for me!
No matter in which direction
dipped I was sure to fish up a ring I
think I’ll get this idea patented
' Tern the minister made a few
cracks at us but we called him every
time politely but firmly and present-
ly he handed us a card and said wo
were duly elected members of the
Married People’s Union
Immediately thereafter we all went
home In a flock of hacks to take a fall
out of one of the finest wedding break
fasts that ever came off the griddle
For one little moment Clara J and
I were alone in the library
"Did I do all right?” she asked eag-
erly ’
- "You! The limit!” I said "You
looked like a queen But wait! Stof
the wagon! Why bless me In the
excitement of a quick finish nobody
bad time to kiss the bride!”
She put her face very vwry close
to mine and said with the sweetest
of smiles "Once more John It seems
to be up to you!” '
(Copyright by O W Dillingham On
The
Mebbe Man
do you know the "mebbe” man
Who views all things with doubting scan
And from conviction holds aloof
Because of Insufficient proof? - -His
first ancestor trod the sod
Just west of Eden and In Nod
And when poor Adam said that Eve
Fed him the fruit that made him grieve
This man winked with an eyelid slow
And sourly muttered: "Mebbe sol”
When Caesar came back with his troops
The "mebbe” man frowned at the whoops
That welcomed all the heroes home —
The “mebbe” man then lived In Rome
And when Copernicus first found
Why all the planets whirl around
He gazed up at the starry sky
And winked a deep and doubting eye
And thought he dealt a fatal blow
When he observed: "Well mebbe so”
Bold Alexander knew hla Jeers
Methuselah for countless years -Bumped
Into "mebbe” men who said
The real Methuselah was dead I
And Jonah when he left the whale
Heard through the people’s welcome hail
The grumbling voice of one who vowed -That
Jonah had deceived the crowd
Though Jonah had the whale to show
The doubter murmured: "Mebbe so”
ColumbusMn his prison cell
And Hannibal and William Tell
And Washington and all the rest
Who tried to do their very best
Knew what it meant to bear the scan
Of kinfolks of this "mebbe” man
And Doctor Cook both day and night
Has something harder yet to fight
Than polar Ice and wind and snow—
Ths than who mutters: "Mebbe so”
What Tims for ths Tip
When should the Pullman porter be
tipped? About a mile from the sta-
tion he discovers at last that you
are on board He then approaches
you smilingly and requests to be al-
lowed to "bresh” you '
He flicks your sleeves then yanks
your collar back and chokes you into
submission while he brushes the lining
of your coat as far down as he can
reach A bit of ragtime on the legs
of your trousers then he carefully
and lovingly takes your hat and rubs
it with an exaggerated toothbrush At
this psychological moment he has his
hand out The custom is to tip him
then but the trouble is if you do that
be will allow you to carry your grip
out of the car If you defer the tip
he will carry It out for you Should
he be tipped at the time of the brush-
ing or on the platform?
At least If you wait until you reach
the platform you are sure that he will
have you In mind for ten minutes
Otherwise he recognizes you for a
brief three minutes It Is an open
question however
The Dignity of Art
"Mr Sketchltt” says the nervous
author "I have been looking over the
drawings you ard making to illustrate
my novel ‘A Romance of Old Rome’ ”
“Yes?” breathes the artist lighting
another cigarette
"Well— you see — the fact is the
story Is one of the time of Julius Cae-
sar and you are making all the pic-
tures modern even to the clothing"
"Can’t you change the text a bit?”
"Not easily you see If I might sug-
gest that you would read the manu-
script — ”
"No! I think Pm doing ' enough
when I illustrate a story without be-
ing compelled to read it also”
Important Germ
"I have found a new germ” an-
nounces the eminent savant
"Ah Indeed?” asks a friend "And
what will be its effect?”
"It will produce 20 magazine - ar-
ticles 600 newspaper interviews and
get my picture printed all over the
country” replies the eminent savant
with that careful regard for accuracy
which has always distinguished his
ntterances
Placing the Blame
"I know the price of ooal has been
exorbitant” acknowledges the coal
baron '"but It la all the fault of the
consumer?”
"The coal consumer?” we ask In
surprise
"No The money consumer” he re-
plies with what la almost a giggle
Call a dog a bad name — and some-
one vu tell yeu you shouldn’t have
lost your temper Just because the
poor brute snapped at you
AWFUL BURNING ITCH CURED
IN A DAY
' "In the middle of the night of March
80th I woke up with a burning Itch In
my two hands and I felt as if I could
pull them apart In the morning the
Itching had gone to my chest and dur-
ing that day It spread all over my
body I was red and raw from the top
of my head to the soles of my feet and
I was In continual agony from the
Itching I could neither He down nor
sit up I happened to see about Cut!-
cura Remedies and I thought I would
give them a trial I took a good bath
with ’the - Cutlcura Soap and used the
Cutlcura Ointment I put It on from
my head down to my feet and then
went to bed On the first of April I
felt like a new man The Itching was
almost gone I continued with the
Cutlcura Soap and Cutlcura Ointment
and during that day the itching com-
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East 43rd Street New York City Apr
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throughout the world Potter Drug &
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One of the Best Rest Cures
Is a good story
To many women it Is as good as a
trip away from home
When you are tired out and your
nerves are on edge try going off by
yourself and losing yourself la some
good story You will In nine cases
out of ten come back rested and in-
vigorated One woman who has passed serene-
ly through many years of bard work
and worry that go with the managing
of a house and bringing up of a large
family of children said that she con-
sidered it the duty of every busy
housekeeper to read a certain amount
of "trash" light fiction for the rest
and change to the mind that K would
give
Try It you who lead a strenuous
life and who sometimes grow exceed-
ingly weary of the same
"Kin by Marriage"
A caller was talking to a smalt Har-
lem girl who is extravagantly fond of
her mother She likes her father
well enough but he Is far from be-
ing first In her affections The call-
er knowing the situation asked the
child why she didn’t love her father
as she did her mother
'Oh you see" she explained loftily
"he Is only kin to ns by marriage”
A good honest remedy for Rheumatism
Neuralgia and Sore Throat ie Hamlins
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Some folks never feel saintly until
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Deserved the Shoes
The weary wayfarer leaned over
the fence and watched the housewife
doing her chores
"Ah lady" he said tipping his hat
“I used to he a professional humorlBt
If I tell you a funny story will you
give me an old pair of shoes?” v
“Well that depends” responded the
busy housewife "you must remember
that brevity is the soul of wit”
"Yes mum I remember that and
brevity Is the sole on each of me
shoes mum” '
Take as much pains to forget what
we ought not to have learned as to
retain what we ought not to forget—
Mason
BETTER HEALTH
WILL RESULT
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