The Chandler News. (Chandler, Okla.), Vol. 8, No. 9, Ed. 1 Friday, November 18, 1898 Page: 3 of 12
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A Collection of Choice Witticisms, Original
He'd B«a Struck.
He struck me!
Strong was the blow,
Amazed, I stood sore dazed
Quailing before the foe,
Who'd struck me—
Yes, even as I pass'd.
High heaven and the world
vv. i^Zl speed about me twirled,
* or Id been struck;
So cowed, X stood aghast.
He struck me!
\ ea, e'en at my breast
I felt that cursed touch,
And, sore opprest.
Did shiver at his clutch.
I reel d; the planets thro' the ai«
bwarn dazzling—then a calm,
rne triumph of despair;
For from my outstretched palm
The craven boon I felt him pluck.
And with my leg drawn out, no longer
mates the pair,
I limped away—
For $2 I'd been struck. Yea-struck!
—New York World.
P.apa When you grow up you'll be
able to read books and find out ever
so many things."
Johnny—"Oh, yes! and I'll tell you
and mamma about all those questions
she can't answer."
Breaking About Even.
Judge: "I understand that Mr. Ros
maie ian away, broke her leg and had
m t> s'lot' sa*d new reporter to
f,en^ailra s business partner.
^ Yes, answered the partner, dryly.
And that his mother-in-law, wflo
was in the carriage at the time, was
thrown out and seriously injured."
Yes. She died an hour afterward.
What! Dead! Dear me! I suppose
Mr. Rosenbaum is all broke up about
Veil, no. Mr. Rosenbaum seems to
be almost reconciled. Of course he
wishes it vas a cheaper horse, but, den,
he t inks dot, everyt'ing considered, he
broke about even."
Teacher draws a red horse on the
blackboard, and proceeds to write a
story under it for the primary children
I see a horse.
I see a hosse, etc., expecting the
child to supply size and color adjec-
First bright boy reads:
I see a horse. I see a minus
A Wise Doctor.
Fuller—"Dr. Nomad told Tibby that
drugs would not help her complaint,
t and recommended out-door exercise on
a wheel as being the best thing for
Butler—"The doc. is simple to throw
business away like that."
P ullei" Oh, I don't know; he
rharges double rates for surgical vis-
Not it Shooting Soldier.
Anglo-American: Socialist to Soldier
I say, you are one of the people.
You wouldn't fire on your own coun-
men, would you?"
Soldier—"No. Catch me shooting
"That's the way I like to hear a sol-
dier talk. Sit down and have some
'Now have a smoke," said the So-.
( a Democrat, after the repast waa
over. Once more the soldier com-
"Are there many soldiers in your
regiment who would refuse to fire on
the people?" asked the Socialist.
Oh, yes, several. You see, we mem-
bers of the band have nothing to shoot
with. I am a member of the band."
And then the band played.
Pittsburg News: Grade and Mamie
had been particularly bad the other
day, and their mother was desperate.
Finally she called the little girls to
her and said sternly:
"Children, I want you to just pick
up your clothes and go away from
this house. You are so bad I can not
stand it any longer. Your papa and
I have picked two other little girls out
hat we want to live here; they are
good and do not quarrel. Just take
all your dolls and dresses and go clear
C'Jace burst into tears and Mamie
looked distressed. Finally, between
her sobs, Mamie exclaimed:
"Well, I don't care "if the little girls
are good-they won't be good long af-
ter they come here to live, any way!"
A PERFECT BAKING POWDER.
The constantly increasing demand for Dr. Price's
Cream Baking Powder, the standard cream of tartax
powder for forty years, is due to two causes.
FIRST: The extreme care exercised by the man-
ufacturers to make it pure, uniform in quality
and of highest leavening power. Skilled chemists
test every ingredient as to purity and strength.
SECOND. Recent State investigations show that
the majority of other baking powders contain alum,
and consumers are giving such powders a wide berth.
Nothing is left to chance in the manufacture of
Dr. Price s Cream Baking Powder
It is pronounced by all authorities as free from alum
or other adulterant. It never disappoints. Each can
is like the other. The BEST is ALWAYS the
Awarded Highest Honors World's Fair, (Chicago, 1893)
Special Gold Medal California Midwinter Fair (1394).
Our facts are earthly; by our fancies
«ve touch heaven.
Experience teaches man long after
be thinks he has taken a diploma.
Early to bed and early to rise makes
Bven a gen.us tiresome to his family.
The Lecture and the Lecturer.
Mrs. Learned—"Had you no engage-
ment for tonight, dear?"
Prof Learned (jumping to his feet)
By Jove! I was booked to lecture
at 7:30 on "The Cultivation of the
Memory," and here it is 10 o'clock!
hy in blazes couldn't you have asked
that question three hours ago?"
The wise man knows he is a fraction;
the fool tries to be the whole thing.
When the heart loses freshness it be-
Indianapolis Journal: Watts—How
do you understand that expression of
Shakespeare's "Go to?"
Putts—It is my idea that it arose
from the printers not knowing the use
of the dash when his works were first
I sually the less intelligible a signa-
ture is the more it is worth at the
The man w.lio buys rum by the glass
can't see the folly of buying coal by
He es, he called me a blooming
Him—As if one could not see that
you had gone to seed.—Indianapolis
The great trouble with some people
is they don't know that they don't
vfawm "i "
tsv W. i v '
Gavo Her Pleasure.
"What do you think Miss Podus said
'about my photograph?"
"She said she liked to look at It be-
™S® iLTminded hor of another
man. -Chicago Record
A man can always tickle his wife
with a feather—if it happens to be an
It is simply impossible for some wri-
ers to extract the truth that lies at
the bottom of an ink well.
There is usually an invisible motive
back of the hand that is extended to
offer One Hundred Dollars reward foranv
rase of Catarrh that cannot be cured by llairs
,,, F- J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, O.
v\ e, the undersigned, have known F. J.
i neney for the last 15 years and believe him
perfectly honorable in all business transactions
and financially able to carry out any obliga-
tions made by their linn. • ' w
West& Truai Wholesale Druggists, Toledo,
£ • £ " ding, Kinnan & Marvin, Wholesulo
Druggists. Toledo, Ohio.
* Catarrh Cure is taken internally, act-
in^ fllrectly upon the blood and mucous surfaces
or the system. Testimonials sent free. I'rice*
7 >c per bottle. Sold by all druggists,
Hall s Family Pills are the best,
When a Pirl is in love &hcT doesn't
carry his letters in her pocket.
Some men stop traveling afoot as
soon as they begin to get ahead.
(oiitfo.t fo: Women.
Some time ago Pullman's Palace Car
company built three parlor cars ron
the 13. & O.'s New York trains, and the
radical departure from other cars o£
this character lay in the toilet room
for ladies, which was eight feet In
length. Recently the same company
nas built eight new sleepers for the
New York-St. Louis line of the B. & O.,
and the designer of the cars has evi-
dently been impelled by the popular-
ity of the ladies' retiring room In the
parlor cars to give to the ladies a vast
deal more space than they ever had be-
fore in sleeping cars. These new carsi
are said by the Pullman people to bei
the finest they ever turned out, and!
the ladies' retiring room Is exceeding-
ly commodious, and contains, besides:
other toilet necessities, a dresser with!
a long pier glass. The cars are' fin-,
islied in vermillion wood, decorated,'
with inlaid marquetry work and the;
upholstery on the barks and seats is-
entirely new and different from any1
heretofore used, being a sort of a mb-|
quette with a dark green border and al
center pattern of bright color. A sim-
ilar design of ornamentation has been'
applied to the ceiling, giving the car
an arabesque effect. They are also!
supplied with all the modern appll-l
ances, such as wide vestibules, antl-l
telescoping device, air pressure -water
system and aro lighted with Plntsch'
gas. A very pleasing effect Is obtained
by the oval windows of opalescent
glass, the first that has been used in1
the construction of the sleeping cars.:
Luck sometimes goes up in the eleva-
tor and then falls down the shaft.
j Hut few pcoplo Worry themselves to
death because of other people's hatred.
Sentimentality is the foolish elder
sister of sentiment.
Labor is a good cure for melancholy
e seldom hear of a laborer traveling
the suicide route.
When marriage is a failure the man
tries to put it all in his wife's name.
The boy with made-over trousers
takes after his father.
That Mrt. Sinker can't keep a cook
to sa/ve lier life."
\\ ell, nne ought to—to save her
From hard work
or outdoor cxcrcise
Sorcnsss and Siii'tfiGSS
? S t!
v/il! CURE it'after a few
applications, and make
the musclcs limber and
Here’s what’s next.
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Gilstrap, H. B. The Chandler News. (Chandler, Okla.), Vol. 8, No. 9, Ed. 1 Friday, November 18, 1898, newspaper, November 18, 1898; (https://gateway.okhistory.org/ark:/67531/metadc115406/m1/3/: accessed November 15, 2019), The Gateway to Oklahoma History, https://gateway.okhistory.org; crediting Oklahoma Historical Society.