.    -y
OUR WIT AND HUMOR.
RECENT PRODUCTIONS OF THE
FUNNY WRITERS.
OrlclB»l    MlffM I'mrarraph. tar
Oar Lama Readers—A IHUh la tin
I>raaaa—Th« Villa*. Topar— FloUai
r
Md
ERE'S a boy live*
down by me,
An' he's de darn-
d e s t sort o’
chap—
Never chewed, an'
never sweared.
An’ never played
a game of crap.
On Sunday, ’stead
of goln’ to
swim,
An* actln* *s If be had some sand,
He toddles off t' Sunday school,
An’ sings about de "Promise' land.”
H. Had Heard of It.
The serpent smiled affably.
"Have an appleT” he Insinuated.
The mother of the race shrugged hei
shoulders.
•'Not this Eve,” she rejoined
‘‘S'm'other Eve.”
“This,” mused the tempter, with I
dazed look and a slight shiver, “must
be the woman's version. Ah, yes.”—
Detroit Tribune.
India has 300,000 acres of tobacco.
One large paper mill in llcrlin, N. H
makes 80,000 feet of Inmls-r into pa pc
daily, or 33,000,000 feet, every year.
Compressed air »>p*,rates 1‘aria clocks.
London's yarn trade employs 18,000.
We export eggs to Ireland.
A clerical error:    A prolonged, prosy
sermon.
And Kh« Ilrllered Him.
“Can I ever wear it out?” he faltered
His eyes filled with tears.
“No," he sighed. ' Ah, no.”
Thus It chanced that he gave lit!
wife a great talk to the effect that thi
necktie she had given him was tex
sacred to be worn anywhere except it
the privacy of their home.
A dream that you have been appoint-
ed to a position iu u bank means that
you will lose your present position.
Illmler«'.*rn« >• • •Implr remedy.
ksl ll la lira uul the era.. and »U*t a <-ou.--U.lton It
(•: Uakaa walking apu-aa-r*. IV. at a-o.-slata
The D. V. Fholea Investment & Mining
Co., of Cripple Creek. Col., can famish you
strictly reliable information concerning
mining propel lies in Ihe Cripple i reek
di-trlct. We a.way* leave options on some
choi-e properties that nre bargains und
handle no other.. I.oeal ar.d eastern bank
references given on application. Corres-
pondence solicited.
To dream thutyoti are driving cattle
means thui you will become rich
through your own exertions.
l’lso's Cure for Consumption has been a
liod-send to me Win. It. McClellan,
Chester, Florida, Sept, li, 18tki.
Two special train loads of 1010 white
people have gone from Wayne, Duplir
sud Tender counties, N. C., to work
li th- cut ton mills lit Tel/.er. S. C.
THE KING
CURB OVER ALL FOR
Rheumatism,
Neuralgia,
Sciatica,
ST. JACOBSj
OIL
De women t'ink he's jes’ de stuff,
'Cause he's always savin' "Please,"
An’ ’cause he never tears his clothes,
A hitchen on, an' climbin' trees.
A Faithful Steward.
Golfer-Here, Steward, this ebangt
isn’t right.
Stewart—I think it is, sir. Hvt
Scotch and sodas.
Goirer—But I only had one.
Steward—Oh! I understand that, sir
But you will have the others before yot
go. All the members do, sir.
To dream of seeing children is gen-
erally favorable, hut to see a child
die is indicative of some severe misfor-
tune.    _
An’ den de way dey rigs him up!
Dey make him out a reg'lar guy—
Ye ought t’ hear de gang Jes’ shout
When dat dere kid goes prancin' by.
An’ don't he fink he's in de swim;
An' 'tinks he's “in it” wid de girls;
’Cause dey rigs him in a sash.
An’ lets his hair hang down In curls!
But you Jes’ bet he's all a bluff;
I tol’ him so de udder night
An’ offered him a free-for-all;
An' dat kid wouldn't even fight.
I told him I could do 'im up,
An’ knock him out. wid one han’ tied;
An’ what ye t'ink de bluffer done?
He yelled out Maw!” an' den he
cried!
But the Patient Didn't Give t'p.
Hargreaves—You Know that Urns !
was so sick last summer? I Just hear!
that the doctor gave me up once.
]eerry_I heard that he gave you u|
twice.
"Twice?”
"Yes. The second time was after hi
had been trying to collect his hill."
A New r-«ionv«.
The United States government has
established u branch office in the grent
seed establishment of the John A. Sal-
zer Seed Co., I.a Crosse, \\ is. So large
and extended is tin* trade of the Sal-
zerSeed Co., that the government for
their own convenience to promptly
expedite mail matter, located an office
in their mammoth buildings. The ed-
itor is told that Salzer's great plant,
seed und grain catalogue is mailed to
any one upon receipt of 5 cents post-
age by addressing them at La Crosse,
IV is.
PLUG
>1 1
A Hitch In the Drama.
Ilnw She I.cd Him On
"Josiar," said Mrs. Corntossel, “would
you fight ef they was a war?”
"Yes-sir-ree,” was the earnest reply.
"Every time.”
"An' git up In the gray dawn ter
the sound of a bugle an' not make any
fuss ’cause ye didn't hev nothin' but
hard tack fur breakfas'?”
"Course.”
"Well, I'm glad to hear it. Ef ye're
willin' ter do all that ye surely won't
have no fault ter fin’ 'bout gittin' up
at 6 o'clock termorrow mornin’ an'
lightin' the fire, so's I kin cook ye some
pancakes thet wouldn't be despised by
nobody.”
M
% 1
A dream that you are drunk means
that you will make a friend who will
prove valuable in the future.
W
Notice.
l)rs. H. II. Green A Sons of Atlanta,
Cm., are the greatest dropsy specialists j
in the world. Cure more patients than
the entire army of physicians scattered
over this beautiful laud of ours. A val-
uable discovery outside any medical
book or published opinion. A purely
vegetable preparation. Removes all
dropsical symptoms rapidly. Ten days
treatment mailed to every sufferer.
See advertisement in other column.
As good as can be made
(regardless of price
14 Ounces
To dream that you are kissing some-
body means that an unknown friend
will shortly confer upon you n great
benefit.
Heavy Villain—Think not. faithlca
one, to escape my clutches. I will fol
low you to the end of the earth.
Flippant Heroine—Indeed you won't
Heavy Villain Zounds! But thot
talkest "idly. Wherefore not?
Flippant Heroine—Because I'm no
going there.
Disproved*
Exception is taken by the Fishtown
philosopher to the claim of a metaphy-
sician that it is impossible for a hu-
man body to do anything against his or
her will.
"Dat ain't on tie level,” he remarked,
with animation. "Why? Because 1
got or brother who went ter Jail
against his will. And dat's straight.”
- Philadelphia Call.
Arnwant* to the Hume Thine.
“Do you say 'armfuls' or 'armsful?"
she asked, looking up from the bool
they were reading together.
"I should say 'armsful,' ” he replied
and his practical application settled al
rhetorical difficulties.
How'ii Thisi
We offer Ono Hundred Dnllnrs reward
for any case of Catarrh that cannot be
cured by ltall'a Catarrh Cure.
F. J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, O.
We, the undersigned, have known F.
J. Cheney for the last 15 years, nn-1 be-
lieve him perfe-tly honorable In all
business traits i, tious, und linanelally
able to carry out any obligations made
by their firm.
WALDINO. KINNAN & MARVIN.
Wholesale Druggists. Toledo, Ohio.
Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken Internal-
ly, acting directly upon the blood and
mucous surfaces of the system. Testi-
monials sent free. Price. 75c per bottle.
Sold by all druggists.
Hall's Faintly Pills. 55c.
Hark Worse than His ltite.
“Papa." said Bobby, pointing to the
iron dog that stood on the lawn, "does
dogs like that ever bite?"
"No.” said his father; “but that one
harked once.”
"Really?” cried Bobby.
"Yes,” said his father. “I stumbled
over him one night, and he barked my
shins.”—Harper's Bazar.
Hltished on General Principles.
“Those French songs are awfull;
wicked, don't you think? I blush ever;
time I hear one of them."
"I thought you did not understanl
French."
“I don’t.”
To dream of cats is always unlucky,
and some unexpected misfortune is
sure to follow in a few days.
for I© cents
Other Brands Only
ounces
for lO cents
Don't take our word
m    ■    •
1 he Village Toper.
■\
Judging hr It* Result..
Tommy I think mamma Is an awfu
gossip.
Ethel—Oh, Tommy! how can you saj ;
such a thing?
Tommy—Well, she is; everything i
do she immediately goes and tells papa
I hate gossip.
The Modern Tiny
Commends Itself to the well-informed,
to do pleasantly anil effectually what
was formerly clone in the crudest man-
ner anil disagreeable as well. To cleanse
the system and break up colds, head-
aches, and fevers without unpleasant
after effects, use tie* deliphtful liquid
laxative remedy. Syrup <>f KIrs. Manu-
factured by California Fig Syrup Com-
pany.
for it. but buy a piece;
and see for yourself.
Snme a. a l awyer.
"Of course the materials in the pro
scription are not worth near the price
but we charge for knowing how.”
“Oh! Well, there is no doubt tha.
you know how—to charge.”
A Powerful Sermon.
Patrick—Phwy didn't ye go to church,
sure?
Bridget—Oi had other things to do.
Patrick—If yez had gone and heard
thot sermon on "Absenteeism ye would
have beett ashamed of y'self fur not be
in’ there.
!•<
A Rrnl Cynic.
"Bohbettson, the money you spent
in feeding that dog of yours would as
slst materially in keeping some pool
man out of the almshouse.”
"I suppose it would, but the doj
seems really grateful."
The Time for Hon»f%nre.
Groom Well, that umbrella is gone,
and I’ll have to get another one. V'e'U
stop into Bigg. Store & Co.'s.
Bride Horrors! no. Go to some
little shop -;n o side street.
"Dear tut! Why?”
“My darling, let's not spend our
honeymoon waiting for change. ’
K
R.V
-V
M
Others
There is no soap in the
world that stands so high
in the opinion of thought-
ful women as
V»”M
■
Modern Matrimony.
"No,” rejoined the young duke, "1
am in no hurry to marry. Capital ii
still somewhat timid."
Far away across the ocean girls with
! millions and no pasts are gettlnj
i older every minute.
The Itrlcr In Kitty'. Fno»
Now—hie!- look here; if you don't-
hie!—proml-e to give me my own cell
this time I shan't go with you.—St
Paul's.
A CnmpnUory Tr.nlc.
Mrs. Ferry- Hid you never learn an)
trade?
Perry Patcttic—Yes'ni. I'm what
might he called a practical geologist
though I don't work at it only when 1
git sent to the rock pile.
One day Merlin ran away barefooted
to the huckleberry bushes at the foot
of the garden He came ark crying,
with an Ugly brier in one of his little
fat feet. H< was a brave little hero and
allowed his mamma to pick it out with
a needle. A half-hour later he was
found examining the claws In Ms kit-
ty's feet; n. sad expression rested on the
thoughful little face as ho carded his
pet to his mamma, saying:
• Poor kitty bier feet; mamma, fix
It,”—New Orleans Picayune.
v    mm w
For washing clothes or doing housework, it can’t be
equalled. Try it. Sold everywhere. Made only by
Tho N. K. Falrbank Company, - St, Louis.
--------------xxooood
I A Perfect Foo
1
Malic* Cent*. Anyhow,
"Dear me, Adelbert,” said the poet's
wife, "this stuff don't make sense."
"I know that as well as you do," sold
the poet. "It Isn’t Intended to make
sense. It is to make dollars. It was
ordered by a magazine.”
A Ttinrly .!ok«
"How Is it l never see you killing
time?” asked the idle person.
"I can't find the time,” said the busy
man, in perfect innocence.
Hard to Hult.
She screamed whene'er he kissed her- j
It cannot tie denied;
She screamed whene'er lie kissed her- j
When he did not she cried.
Indianapolis Journal
l*lg»r 15ox (filar Soared.
•There is said to be a scarcity of Cuban
cedar for cigar boxes since the out-
break of the revolution in that coun-
try. A good substitute, and one often
u-ed, however, is cumber wood, wUhib
Is dyed to the proper color.
Where'. Mr*. Ignat lu. lion nelly'.'
"Kittle, what art the women doing
now that their hible is finished?”
'AVe've got tip’ a lovely diagram t<
prove tha: Mrs. Shakespeare wrote thi
plays.”. '
Pvnnll IVmlon*.
A late derrre of the quern regent of
Holland aw ards to the widow of a pri-
sm keeper h pension of nineteen florins
(not quite |8) nnnuHlly, while another
widow has thirteen florins showered
upon bci every twelve-hf \ tlx.
That is what Baron von Liebig said
of good chocolate. * All of Walter
Baker &s Co/s Cocoas and Choco-
lates are good, — the best, in fact.
Walter Baker & Co., Ltd., Dorchester, Mass. GF
'IfWffW*
PATENTS,TRADEMARKS
. F. .    .    .mill. In
F yam loaf I on <
anti A-lrlrea* t-i I'»tenlaMllt, of la
KS2- Mha mK1ft a* *
W. N. LV-HH 1IITA.-YOU !»• NO. 8.
Whan Anawcrlitg AilvartlMiuauta
l'lenae Mention Thi* I'uimt.
JU*